Millennials Find Pluto’s Rejected Status ‘Like So Relatable’
Millennials will go down in history as one of the greatest generations, not because they rose above their station and improved the world, but rather there has been no age group quite so adapt at making things that are not remotely about them, about them. And they aren’t keeping their grubby lil’ hands close to Earth, they’re reaching out into the cosmos and taking on Pluto’s rough journey as their own.
“When science people said Pluto wasn’t a planet, it felt like they were saying I wasn’t a human.”
- Cacey Britney Bunt, age 26
We here at French Onion Soup care about a lot of things; world peace, the declining production of soy beans, Tilda Swinton. But above all else, we care about serving millennials a healthy dose of reality and exposing them for their self-centered ways*.
* It’s worth noting that in our exhaustive research, 48% of the blame should be placed on the parents of millennials for encouraging such a skewed world view in their children. But we’re also not the kind of publication to get bogged down with facts, statistics, and accurate reporting.
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If you think that it’s a stretch to make an ex-planet relevant to the life of a meager human, then prepare to have your rose-colored glasses snatched off your face as you read through these actual quotes from millennials about how Pluto makes them feel.
“Just like Pluto, I was the smallest one in my family. It took years of therapy to realize that my tiny stature was what made my family ostracize me, not my sour attitude and bland personality. So when I heard that science no longer considered Pluto to be a planet, it brought up all the angst of my childhood years and I. Could. Not. Cope.”
- Garrett Gully, age 29
“I just think that if like we reject Pluto as a planet, then it’s like, what else isn’t a planet? Earth? Or worse, the moon??”
- Simone Lewsky, age 300 months
“After JUST finding out that snakes aren’t insects, I feel really fragile right now and it’s too much to learn that Pluto isn’t a planet. What else in my life is a lie? Can you really not microwave a fork? What’s the point of all this?”
- Mark Demanin, age 32 (but claims to be 26)
Millennials have become the generation that most rejects science, but at the same time desperately cling to whatever science says. The New England Journal of Medicine released a study in 2012 that proves the root of this behavior is in their inability to think critically and their tendency to let erratic emotions control their thoughts. There is no clearer example than this direct quote from Kaylee Cripton, age 27:
“If we don’t view Pluto to be a planet, then it’s like believing that hot air ALWAYS rises. It’s so hard to find anything real to believe in, but we have to choose something, so why not believe in Pluto a bit more? If I believe in it hard enough, then it WILL be a planet.”
We here at French Onion Soup don’t hope in much, but we hope that Pluto will never stop giving millennials unnecessary angst, because it will always make us, like, chuckle a little.
If this article rubs you the wrong way like a bad massage, then consider sharing it with your friends so they also become uncomfortable.
